|im too sensitive to the world|

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Thursday, July 27

pasrah?



Its had been a while, almost 6 months since I move to a new place in Melaka. As a new place, Im being a new me (spot the qeey and no more qila). Where I knew all the new people, new environment, new housemates/roomate/classmates and the best things in life, get to know Frzna and Ain (the best things happen in Melaka). As usual as you know me, I love complain. Complaining every single things in life, the changes, why and why. Banyak benda berubah, banyak belajar benda baru, kenal ramai orang banyak perangai banyak cekadak and macam biasa many shit things alive. Bab gaduh macam biasa, I'm the super power of gaduh huahahaha (berlagak macam hebat sangat). 

In this 6 months, banyak sangat benda jadi. Ups and downs! Gaduh, gelak and ofcos cry as much as I can do. But! Nah kali ni no more cry because of a man (tak guna betul). Im crying for works, assignments and yah hectic in degree life. Idk why this semester, im got so sensitive to works. Siapa yang tak siapkan kerja lah aku nangis hahahaha (tak gentle langsung). But seriously no joke, I cried bcs got one person ni, he such a perfectionist. So perfect, in fact Im in love with his work, so smart, really precise but my really pantang is LATE. I hate waiting, I hate last minute work and I hate waiting (sejenistaksabar). Bila dah lambat, aku emo, bila emo aku marah, bila marah aku nangis semua benda aku campak and im being a person who cant be professional in work. I will messed it up with personal thingy and yes being me is so complicated (hahahahhahahahhahahha tak lawak).

First of all let me just say I know what you mean when you say you can’t live without me (You terlalu baik untuk I, I jahat sesuai untuk orang jahat je; he said). You know how much it breaks my heart to think about you sleeping next to someone who isn’t me. You know how much it makes my soul bleed to have a picture of your life without you. And you know that right now I’m utterly convinced that you are the one for me even though deep down I know, not you, but right now the idea of you feels so right and I don’t want to start over with someone else. But let me tell you that my heart beat way before you, and my lungs could breathe way before I even knew your existence and they’ll continue to do so way after you’re gone. Life has no pause button, it goes on with or without you. I cannot continue to force something that is out of my control. If it isn’t right anymore, I have be able to admit that and walk away from it even if I think it’ll burn my life to the ground because I don’t think I can breathe without you, newflash; I can and I will, because sometimes I have no other choice.

Idk why Im still tak boleh terima kenyataan even though it almost 2 years and half it past. Kenyataan yang I have to accept the fact that I lost my diploma’s classmates&housemates. I know it was my fault, my VERY bad decision where I choosed to be with you (you know who you are) but in real he such a suck.

I still remember, yes where today (genap 1 year, the same date as on your 20th birthday), the whole classmate including me, were fight with you because of a really tiny problem that comes a VERY big problem. Was started when me and Jannah had planned for a class party to celebrate the last semester we were through together (which is almost 2 years and half), but you spoiled everything. At that time, when I choosed you to be my everything. At that time, I thought you will be my friend for the rest of my life, where I put you number 1 in my life, respect each thing that you did, the one who care THE MOST about me, where I diss all my housemates including my roommate. 

I saw his texts get shorter, and his wait to reply get longer. The texts contained no trace of love, not even as much as proper punctuation. His excuses to not be with me became a trend, so often that eventually it was expected. No, he was not going to come to dinner. No, he did not know when he was going to be free. Sure, he was going to try. He always said that.

But nahhhh, I was wrong. I made a BIG wrong decision mayn in my life. I would say that my level of regret get to know you is in 1238468 level bebbbb. Pernah ingat tak first the time I met your parents, your parents meet my parents, you meet my parents? Ingat tak how I managed to help you, tumpangkan sana sini, we had breakfast every tuesday morning before the class started, I cried all night because of you, every cuti semester, you comes to my house, brings me to secret recipe where the first place you treated me, masakkan speghetti for me, you get mad when I started to cursed, you calm me down whenever I cry so hard, the first day on internship, you accompanied me all the time, the food that Ibu bekalkan everyday for you and me, kerja boss bagi we managed to complete together, pergi kerja balik kerja sama sama, where I'd cried in office bawah meja you, and how you covered me depan boss and supervisor, the first day in Melaka, teman me all the time, makan malam, cried because of housemate, how I jenis clingy, bleeding like everyday, you managed to find good food for me to make sure that I eat a healthy food. But suddenly you changed. You broke me like shit. Im no longer trust any man because of you. Because of your action. I never give a chance for myself to happy again. Ada pernah tak rasa bersalah dengan semua yang jadi ni? Ada pernah tak rasa diri tu tak guna sebab semua benda ni jadi? Ada pernah tak rasa semua ni salah diri sendiri?

Suck.

I was no longer a priority. When little plans we had were canceled (within only minutes) and I was replaced by a bottle and maybe another girl.

I still gave myself reasons to believe otherwise, though. His actions were always justified by me; he had already given up justifying himself. I was fighting for something that was no longer there. But it didn’t matter. The though of losing him scared me; sure he’d changed, but what if he changed again? What if he woke up one day and realized that I deserved his love? Bullshit.

The day that you broke me, my heart, wait till I get home to cry. Wait until it’s 1am in the morning, replaying so many time the recording of your voice and I swear the pillow between my arms is my new best friend. Practice smiling in the mirror, so the next day when I sit by him, you can’t distinguish the black eyeliner from the redness and burst of my eyes. Smile because I can. Not because I want to. Laugh at stupid jokes because it makes me happy. Not because I need to. And don’t I look at you. No, you’re not over it, and every sharp intake of breath breaks my heart, but you doesn’t need to know that. After all, the daggers are mine, not you.



Love, qiela

Sunday, June 11

Allah's plan



I never really saw myself loving anyone. I coundnt even love myself. I never felt connected to anyone, even as I got older, even though I had my fair share of lovers. I just couldnt find that connection. I felt isolated. I felt like I didnt belong, and as hard as I tried to get close to someone, I just never could. I wont deny I hurt a few people in along the way, but I could not, for the life of me feel like I could be with anyone. I felt alone and I just didnt want to hurt anyone else, including myself. So I gave up, and for sometime I was doing fine on my own then came you. And you flipped my whole world upside down. You taught me how to love in a way I never imagine I was capable of loving. With you, I felt a connection, not only with you but I felt connected to everything around me. You gave me a sense of purpose. You made me feel alive. From our random road trip, to a simple night looking at the stars. Because of yo, I saw life with color.



Perhaps, things would be nicer if we dont meet each other and greet one another at the first time, right? But who am I wants to complained everything had planned?
Perhaps.
But Allah's plan is unexpected. And now, let us just go with the flow. May everything fall beautifully in its place.

Love, qiela

Wednesday, December 14

solmet



“I used to not believe in soul mates. I’d fall in and out of love so easily, going through the same vicious cycle. It just seemed impossible that there could be only one person out there for you. Then I met you.

I spent hours tracing your skin, memorizing it all, in case you disappeared on me. Your scent, your smile, your laugh, I could find you in any crowd. Still could. Everything was about you, it still is. Each morning thought was about you, and my last thought each night was you. You never left my mind. I’ve never shined brighter. You weren’t my world, you were my universe.

But after you… you left, it wasn’t like the other times. It didn’t take a day of eating and watching sad movies to forget you. No, every date I’ve been on since, which took months by the way, none have even come close to comparing to you. When they all kiss me goodnight, no spark is there.

Every sad song I hear is now relevant. I can’t pass that bench, or sit on my own couch for god’s sake without thinking of you. I haven’t slept in over twenty-four months plus because I wake up in fits of anxiety when you aren’t there to comfort me, to promise you’ll never leave me. My world is grey and bleak. There’s no more light, only fog. And everytime I think I see the light, I run to it, only to end up back where I started. Without you.

So maybe now I believe in soulmates, because it feels as if my soul has torn in two. And I wonder if wherever you are, you wake up in a fit, reaching our for me too.”

Love, qiela